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I'm always a changed woman

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9/24/14 03:13 am - jaw break

Settling, settling, settling. Shit's chaotic... I'm trying to manage my stress and it isn't exactly working. Everything is conflicting...

- Taylor's stay is a topic unto itself, and while it's had its annoying points, mostly I have been very grateful to have him here this week. We drive around sampling Austin's finest food trucks and singing our silly songs, and watching Chopped and making fun of the contestants. But, he is leaving in the morning, and on top of that, Sam is not really happy about... Any of it. Understandably. I am looking forward to having some free-ish time to get my shit together once Taylor leaves, though.

- I'm trying to do well at my shelter job and prove myself, but I don't have a computer yet, still (?????) and as such am out of the loop on some things. Having taco job from Wed-Sun this week is also limiting my ability to go to some meetings. However, I would rather not quit either job. Taco job comes with its own stressors but is in a way a relief, because of the atmosphere... It's chaotic but less doom and gloom than the shelter. Co-workers roll their eyes at me in solidarity when customers are difficult and make innuendo jokes with each other. And I know that despite my own self- centered gripes with the shelter job, my presence and assistance is really needed by the clients and staff.

- Logistics. My apartment still isn't unpacked, it's getting dirtier... I need a TX driver's license for my shelter job and got documents prepared to go into the DMV today, but of course I first have to get my insurance and registration switched over which is a huge fucking pain in the ass. I'm pissed at myself for not doing it sooner, but I also know I would have if I could have.

- I'm disappointed (prematurely) for not having life magically be better here... I like it here mostly so far, but making friends is going to be a process.

I've been thinking more and more about doing something structured-yet-loosey-goosey after my AmeriCorps position ends in July. I think I might finally be ready to travel, to shirk major responsibilities and just work on farms or paint by the sea or something. Planning for that is something to do... And hopefully I can save some money this year to do it.

Mostly I miss feeling in control. I don't have a sense of security in my organizational skills right now and I don't have my optimism to lean on. I'm so tired and must... Sleep...

8/24/13 12:01 am

that last entry was a draft from a little over a year ago. i couldn't bring myself to read it quite yet - hindsight 20/20 doesn't come this quickly, and i have yet to outgrow shame. curious timing. always good to resuscitate time capsule paragraphs, drag em out of the ether.

i think that year-ago me would be very happy with now-me's situation. i have
- traveled the entire pch 1/101 (ok, except for the very bottom and the entire washington part)
- other travel cred
- cultivated infinitely improved, cool-kid points music taste
- built out a semi-impressive resume
- employment starting up in a weekish
- a graduate certificate
- something close to a purpose in life. still dumbly peering down each cross road, but i'm making progress and sleep somewhat comfortably at night
- the same boyfriend but a better relationship. love is different.
- an awesome apartment
- in many ways put my money where my mouth is
- other things to be grateful for

i am crawling back to livejournal in part because, like any good millennial, my brain unfurls faster with typing. writing in the physical sense with a pen and paper is tedious. also, there is too much shit in my head all the time. often, the same things. all my life i have rehearsed paragraphs and phrases as though preparing for some future interview or self-indulgent novel i would have no business writing, and transmitting it from brainwaves to something external - talking with people, dragging my ass onto lj - makes me feel better. i can take a dump and then eat more, in the mental sense. i also think picking up some kind of activity where i can start screwing around with sentences again and pry myself away from the grips of rigidity and compartmentalized creativity would be healthy. on the path toward the purpose...

8/23/13 11:44 pm

life is terrifying. i finished (undergrad) college before noon, then sauntered grinning into the duck store to buy my mortar board hat, and am now sitting on my couch in the shade of the ebb of my elation. i want to take inventory of everything that's happened during this segment and have a space to (hopefully temporarily) dwell on any lingering regrets.

neutral:
--liberal arts education... exposure to many things, but without any concrete payoff.
--3 boyfriends, basically in succession. not sure how my growing up related to them, what kind of influence they had over it. i'm still bobbing around in weakness pools--i can't sleep alone at night, i have no friends here--so i can't let go of the current one even though unhealthiness is rampant, but i've learned a lot and at least intend for things to go differently in the future. the con is bigger because it's on my mind...

pro:
--accomplished something. expanded mind (without drugs) even though it doesn't matter to anyone but me and gpa enthusiasts.
--learned to live somewhat independently across the country from home. evolved into hippie.
--saw many parts of the west coast during adventures.
--found someone to be weird with.
--stayed out of legal trouble (knock on wood!).
--introduced myself to exercise; learned how to ride a bike; climbed a butte.
--won professor approval.
--better in social situations.
--learned the tools of mental health.

con:
--i don't have any solid footing as to what'll happen next. i have ideas and am moving toward them, some more than others, but nothing is set right now. though this is also a pro because i'm EXCITED TO START MY NEW LIFE YOU GUYS.
--didn't accomplish everything i wanted (well duh). i didn't independently establish myself in any way: i didn't do any art/writing/blogging projects, least of all any i earned money from; i didn't set up a campus organization or initiative (gardens, slow food, frorority); i didn't start a nonprofit-esque program (sending clothes to rural chinese kids, but in all fairness she is chinese and her father helped her), didn't make music mixes, didn't earn random certifications, ex. to become an ordained minister; um... what else?

what else would i have done to distinguish myself? i keep comparing myself to what others have done. i could have volunteered more, i could have knit more, i could have set up an etsy, i could have gone to poetry workshops, i could have gardened, i could have challenged myself through random contests, i could have chosen a different major, i could have set up recycled art extravaganzas, i could have written for magazines (actually, i did), i could have become a counselor, i could have done all this shit that other people have occupied themselves with. i had internships and projects and got a lot out of them. i chose my major late and didn't act on anything before then--ignorance happens. i made up for lost time as much as i could. and i want to do good things for the world, damnit! one of the worst things about capitalism is its messiness--too many shampoo bottles and choices and plastics and chemicals and plain bullshit, when it's basically unnecessary. same goes for organizations and initiatives to help people--i don't want to overlap with anything until i gather enough info (not even close to thinking i'm there) and make a grand assessment. i don't feel i have the right to start anything because i'm still developing my ideas. and there's nothing wrong with that.

family history seems to be a big part of this. my parents didn't really do, and continue to not really do, things independent of larger machines. taylor's dad started a pottery business out of college and his mom wandered (mine too). we're both following the paths of those before us.

i'm inching toward the conclusion that i shouldn't worry. the point of this was to take stock, more than anything. i don't know what led other people to do what they're doing or how the opportunities presented themselves. usually i give other people too much credit, without thinking that a. a lot of them are shitty, and b. originality is rare.

the greatest "pro" of all is that i learned about my passion. as ghey at that sounds, it's a big deal. and i'm working toward it along with little splashes of variety. what i got out of this experience is more knowledge and security in myself, and probably a strength i can't yet see.

so what's next?
i'm not going to force myself to seek opportunities right now; i'm not going to yell "GROW DAMNIT" at the flowers. i'm going to keep drinking wine at 12:30pm, read some of my fucked-up-teen book, and take a nap. then i'll go to the grocery store and clean a bit. i wish i had faith, i wish i had more confidence in taking the time to do things for myself/by myself and building on small successes. maybe i'll start. drowning in possibilities, what should i choose, where should i look? this is the kind of shit acid is good for. i'm not sure how to embark on another project--alone or with others. ex. where do i seek out these contest things? what is the ideal path to where i'm going? how do i get exposure to enough things to know? LET IT COME TO YOU YOU'LL NEVER FIND IT IF YOU'RE LOOKING FOR ITTTT

my long-range natal chart says i'm doomed to bopping around and not having a set path, let alone career. i like this. (good.)

i'm hoping to have my grad app sent in this week, at last. my father and his gf come in on friday until idk when, i graduate a week from today (and i'm dragging taylor with me), ummm. i won't know about grad school until the first week of august probably, so i'm hoping to say whogivesashit and go home in early july through august, then come back here and, yes... wwoof on the coast. near the tillamook factory. cascadia is due for another 7.0 earthquake ("The next rupture of the Cascadia Subduction Zone is anticipated to be capable of causing widespread destruction throughout the Pacific Northwest") and tsunamis are the worst, but like... i'd like to push off schooling until january if possible. i could also try to get into foodcorps. we shall see.

1/24/12 01:07 am

can't deal with crazy people. need to find better uses of my time.

so i'm at home on the floor being honest at last, to glowing screen. i've been told forever that i have an incredible sense of self and i know myself so well etc. etc. um no, these people were wrong. i can't deal with people in general. i am not fit for relationships without massive scorpio-esque buildups and priming. i don't have any idea how to verbally communicate emotions, and sometimes i just don't have any interest. i can only operate through tremors, also known as feedback and "unspokens" (also known as "unknowns" by the less romantically inclined).

sucks to build myself around tiny obsessions, the way hair falls or optimism, only to have blowjobs demanded (in five separate ways over the span of 5 minutes, nonetheless). on the way home we both cried and i made a joke and he flipped and i had to slide off the seat pretty quickly to avoid jumping out of a moving vehicle. every day i'm called angel, pretty, princess, told i'm cared about and loved and respected more than anything and i never believe any of it. i've numbed out one too many times. i've never felt some reverberating, "captured in tiny moments of suspended bliss" sense of being in love while together. ever. i guess you have to believe in the same basic ideals to believe they're there (is that pretentious or does it get my point across?). plus the angel, pretty, princess part creeps me out regardless of what intentions actually are. i can't even begin to make him feel better (by explaining myself, or sacrificing myself).

need to graduate, buy a car, live in desert (or somewhere south of santa cruz) and sing better. too much orange and gold clouding my eyes.

on a reality note (apart from my mazzy star + sticky eyes + stoned + trains outside night, as desired), i'm learning a lotttt about what i don't like in the public relations department... life is too short for me to take a class on strategic twitter usage seriously

throat hurting again. sickness started after a night like this--i should rush myself off to slumberland.

1/17/12 01:22 am

my perfect term got fucked. plans can't last forever.

sent my mother an email... "question: am i a failure if i quit a project simply because the politics/communication structures piss me off?" i really need to know the answer.

part of the deal with myself was/is to not sign onto anything that compromises my integrity regardless of its shiny-star factor, for resume considerations. i need to believe in what i do, i need to not be driven nucking futs over whatever causes i commit to. and there have been some violations. my patience is tested VERY easily so i often need to step back and count my blessings before making some impulsive decision. so far in fight-or-flight, though, i've chosen flight

i'm busy. i realize how much i miss writing for writing's sake. the emerald upset me for the last time and i wrote a letter to the editor that got published on its website. i can do freelance jollies with no problem. i don't need to whore out a magazine or tv show to the greater campus community. the level of bureaucracy amazes me, and is the singular reason i choose to flake out in favor of better pursuits. maybe this is only a romantic fancy, but i sense i'm treading thin waters between losing myself in substance and drowning out temporary (?), undesirable circumstances. if anything, i've found out how to not give a fuck

i keep thinking that if i fill my time with one last (noble) pursuit, i'll come through clean. when all i really wanted was to join a band. seems so easy compared to all the other shit i'm trudging through, despite my confusion over where to even start.

i know that in late march i'm going to san francisco to help the homeless in some sense. in mid-april (hopefully my last term of college ever) taylor and i are flying down to la to attend coachella. for the next few months, i'm going to be living off uninspired brown rice dishes and dollar-menu hamburgers to pay off the ticket (plane & concert) price.

ugh is the case. i've been waiting all weekend for today, tuesday, to receive the final verdict on various other endeavors. duck tv is basically dead to me, and i've officially quit ethos magazine. duck tv is my baby and i hate to let it go--but i especially hate messy starts despite my absolute best efforts. when even the most securely controlled circumstances are undermined by some new zealand bitch who's fucking one of the execs. i hope that someday i have the balls to throw a scene and inject some traumatic awkwardness into everyone's day. then i can run screaming through the streets and officially become one of the living.

also, winter is upon us. snow is now, as are funky-ass changing temps. and sun vs. clouds vs. sun vs. everything at once. i'm spiking my tea with a drop of vitamin d a day to combat this unfortunate gray reality.

so sick of other people.. that's the root of change in my realm. fingers crossed because i held on too tightly and now i have no idea, yet again, where i'm headed.

also--where does chris get off telling me an organic farming pursuit makes me a hipster? why is looking forward to eating expertly seasoned popcorn and watching a movie with my loved one "quaint"? i limit public occurrences of drunk bimbos screaming their swan songs in my ears to twice a month; not everyone feels a need to do it every weekend, thursday included. and "financially independent" isn't consistent with "weed dealer." people are fucking heartless and love to pass judgement. a rude awakening

1/11/12 12:24 am


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12/22/11 07:14 am

Camping is not ok! Rooms are $50 at their cheapest and we didn't want to be pussies so we followed through on our original mission to camp.... So back here in the woods of beautiful Florence, Ore., I'm huddled in my sleeping bag tapping out a message to LiveJournal.

Sunrise is in about an hr (I guess that means when the sun starts to rise?) so I am trying to distract myself until then. Sleep would possibly work but as soon as Taylor left for the tent my heart started speedracering again and I had to call my mom in all her cheeriness and try to chill the fuck down.

Tays and I were both in the tent at first.. I spent probably an hour trying to discern sounds, the ocean from the highway, his snoring from nature, until finally falling asleep. Woke up to some weird shit and couldn't tell whether or not to worry. My ear was against the ground but I could only hear the pounding of my heart. The implications of some of the less rhythmic, more metallic and snappy noises escalated and I told a long-awake Taylor that I was going to sleep in the truck. We talked very briefly.. He wanted kisses and I wanted sleep and peace. I felt bad until mofo called me a "basket case of anxiety that always gets in the way of things" while I was gathering up my stuff. I stumbled through the opening telling him he was an asshole and promptly opened the truck door and stuffed myself into the passenger seat.

I heard him undo and redo the flap zipper a few times. Then he was at the driver door, climbing in and saying he missed me. This could not be all, though... Whatever the case, I left to collect more stuff from the tent (all my valued items sans botas) and God bless the boy for waiting to tell me that what I heard was a family of racoons, big ones, rattling around with the various things we left on the picnic table... Not many things though, especially not food items, which I'd gathered and stowed in the car. So what they found idk.

Then he tells me that he did some research on his internet phone and found that there are bears here! EEEEEKKKKKKKK!!!! Not cool. Apparently the entire coast has an issue with younger bears being pushed to forage in populated areas bc the older ones already claimed territories in more desirable wilderness areas.

So i decided to stay put. We both dozed off for a couple hours, then he said he was heading back to the tent to give his neck a rest from an uncomfortable position. I sad without him. Sunrise in half an hour though!!! Woot.

Mhm!! In fact our fair sun is already on its way up. I am hungry and tired and I guess I'll just try to sleep again. Tonight I thought I'd finally quantified all my various inclinations and desires by deciding to, sort of worst case, buy an RV and traverse the lands, hopping from job to job, place to place, etc.... Some honest seasonal or temp work cut up by festival hopping. Obv some kinks need to be worked out and I'll probably need to get a gun but like... It's probably the best conclusion to come to. UNTIL tonight... I am fucking too domesticated for that... Like a house cat, idk how to survive in a bare bones outside world. I'm terrified of ghosts, creatures, and other people. A test of adventurer's spirit, then....

Sort of best case I'll end up in a big city, one of the California ones, doing something I lurve... Well, many things. We shall see. Like that hippie guy at the emx stop said, my parents did not pay for all this shit just for me to become a waitress. Bless people.

I love Tays, but am scared of the future enough without having to take him into account. Still, tis hard to consider an existence without your best friend when you realize that's what they are. I stayed in OR for two weeks, and am leaving for Atlanta on Saturday... A week o that then a week of Exton then back to the Eug for school to start. This term scares the fuck out of me because I'm taking on more than I ever have before... Each term I think this, and each term pans out with mixed results. Will I even ever see him???

What I'm doing is meant to be enjoyed, though. It's decent resume and life experience and will keep me occupied through the shitty ass winter. I should be EXCITED damnit. I always feel like a failure, there's always some crazy pressure bearing down. Always comparisons of perfect states to be made. I did shed a lot of shyness through my various endeavors, though.

Blerg. The point is, I'm gonna relax and not think until I have to. Take care of myself.

To bed!

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10/5/11 07:19 pm

I can post from my iphone??? Bless the world.

Currently the only senior in the student union. After two hours of waiting for an interview i was accepted onto the first pr team the uo's tv show has ever known. Kind of awesome because no one has ever heard of duck tv, not even half the people working on it before they gained a position. We get to start from scratch and guess what, i actually have lots of ideas and my peer lovelies seem to like them! I am a leo after all

Otherwise, the shit weather entered. Cold and wet; sudden downpours that choose every ten minute interval between classes to piss down. Taylor is holding me responsible for his life and relative sobriety (read: abstinence from heroin). I can handle it ok for now. My father keeps telling me "life's too short to take care of people," but sry dude our whole family is like that... We all indulge in entwined senses of sensitivity, empathy and superiority to try to help whomever out. Obligation crossed with genuine tenderpuss. Or so it seems.

Longass days, lots to do, no full nights of sleep. I started eating a lot healthier, though, and learned to adapt to doing shit i loathe with a smile plastered across my face. I refuse to be traumatized over mildly painful or confusing events.

Supposedly adam is hitchhiking up from norcal to stay in the eug for a couple weeks before flying out to philly of all places. Taylor called me with the info and asked what he should do, partially trusting my judgement and partially not wanting to piss me off by not discussing it first, im sure. The deal... we always stay at his apt at night and really whenever and adam wants to stay for two weeks. Fuck no. So its four days now but is absurd to think thats possible... Taylor said i saw the worst of it last year, when he let adam stay for two months without consulting his three roommates and a bunch of dmt induced arguments and screaming at the tv occurred and the cops were called.... But idk. It just seems like something will go awry, plus we dont really like each other. He thinks im "on fire" in the looks dept but thats the highest order.. But ill be nice

Finally got around to all my medical appts. Some issue with a remaining wisdom tooth root starting to poke through and pose problems. Poking... Cotton balls still taped to the crooks of my arms. My veins are nearly impossible to stick into and after blood is finally drawn i walk around looking like a blind junkie for a few days. I got a message with the results but havent listened yet. Terrified. A year of worrying all down to this. If i see the slutty junkie girl again im going to slap her. Ill listen when taylor gets me later. I might have a drink first to a. Make the duck tv meeting a little more fun and b. Chill out. I get so dramatic over this shit and i could know so easily but im a pussyyyyy. And its $1 beer night

Good to spill brain out. Would like to go home and close eyes. Three hrs

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10/2/11 02:23 pm

another one of those years coming up? something changes here along with the sky's clouding and the air's cooling and school's starting... my enthusiasm for life starts to dwindle just a little. on the dot for the past three falls i've lived in eugene.

on the final circuit; seniority at last. classes well within my major, a few electives on subjects i'd actually elect to study. starting to trip out slightly over what the future will bring. kelley freedman has tons of interviews lined up with prestigious companies. taylor's dad is in town and lunch with them was listening to their business plans... the trials and tribulations and tradeoffs of the art market. i've only sensed it before, but now i know--taylor has a niche. he's well versed in what he does, as far as the development and projected direction goes. he's got a place of belonging, doing something sort of unconventional. this kills me because i'm still clueless. i guess it leaves me more open, though, which is the point of my life as is

not worth worrying about. i'm going to slip back into stoner lifestyle sooner than i thought. i haven't smoked a cigarette in over a week (back to high fives and "congratulations!!" from doctors) and don't like drinking at home, and i've mostly been at home... so weed is looking really good. last winter and spring i went through periods of medicating against the barrage of pressuring judging prompting thoughts pushing me constantly into this whirlwind of restlessness and need for action in the face of lack of direction and knowledge... terrible conflicted time in my brain, so i faded out and felt a lot better for a few weeks until the routine shifted and i found new hope (or distraction).

didn't get two jobs i applied for... well, more than two, probably. not really upset over it. my father said, "well, not everyone will love you" and my mother told me the much more comforting "don't take it personally; it's just business." for survival's sake i'm trying to realize i don't need to join in the rat race for a bunch of bitchwork i couldn't find less meaning in. i'm not going to lose sight of myself in order to fill out my resume. plus i'm already busy doing a variety of things i enjoy on a variety of levels... so what's it matter that i'm not going to scribble in the names of alumni on cards in their skyboxes before games, and that i won't have to browse google every day for stories mentioning law school professors? case in point: i'm ok with not selling myself short.

and work must be done now, until later when i rejoin with the menfolk.

8/19/11 12:30 am

sequence of events in no particular order... so i remember what it's like

-dumbass bitches that can't figure out my social media plan. i made the instructions to setting up a wordpress SO simple after i finally figured out how to use the fucking thing

-that awkward moment of the year when eugene's atmosphere bears down and i start to implode and get jelly knees so often and unbearably that all i can do in the midst of frustrating run-arounds is sigh--"i really need to go home"

-taylor spectrum: horrible hour and a half at the fair. sometimes i think to log out of here because there's a chance he'll pick up my lappy and get a little too curious in the near future, but nothing ever ends up happening... until tonight when he read through some pages that include EVERYTHING. i left him at the bar last weekend while i dirty danced with margie, and he told me i was dead to him etc. i kept drinking and drinking but never really got drunk (the worst!), only distinct fatique/cottonhead. but i was happy enough and we made up. even now i can't walk past john henry's (and i do somewhat often) without feeling only the dirty part. it's worth noting that as much as i bitch about him, that's what lj is for. we do connect between all the noise in ways i totally take for granted

-anything can be achieved through practice; it's a matter of executing practice with some amount of finesse and sense that i can in fact help right now at this moment

-three and a half hours every day of "the fact that" FUCK YOU it stings every time. be a little cognizant of how stupid you sound making things that are clearly not facts, into facts in some empty arbitrary phrase

-sudden financial terror--why am i living my life like this?? bf is liekly more independent (in this sense) than i am... he's got something established, he's pulling in an uncertain but $150+ sum every week or so. and i'm not--well, i'm doing other shit that's related. i want to work. i intend on calling places next week. i fear i'm fucking up/failing at life, and i can't even be on my high horse about it. all i know is, things are gonna change. i'm tired of feeling guilty

-going to bend this weekend?? as in today around 3-3:30. i need to get the fuck out. running over the same old ground. his mama's into karaoke and so am i. he wants us to go camping and i guess we will :/

tis all. glory day
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